


It's colder without you

by fortomorrows



Category: Dark Blue Kiss, จูบให้ได้ถ้านายแน่จริง เร็วๆนี้ | Kiss Me Again: The Series (TV), รักไม่ระบุสถานะ | Dark Blue Kiss (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cuddling, Depressed Pete, Depression, Living With Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, au where Pete has depression and a bad day strikes, istg i drag these boys into my own messes (but i cant help it), soft boyfriends hour, this is more of an outlet for my own emotions sorry for the mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27030211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortomorrows/pseuds/fortomorrows
Summary: "I'm not going to say I understand completely", Kao's voice is a quiet murmur, scratching against his temple in familiar graze, settling into the warmth of his bones, and the air in his bedroom."And I'm not sure if you'll believe me", Kao pauses,"But even if you can't believe it right now - I like you".Even if you can't like yourself right now, hangs in the air, unsaid.orA bad day strikes, as usual - but Kao is there this time.
Relationships: Kao/Pete (Kiss: The Series)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	It's colder without you

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i have a big interview tomorrow and i stress edited this. i'm so nervous gods.  
> mental health day was just around the corner and its dbk month and my own depressive mood has been pervasive the last few weeks - it was very cathartic to write by my favorite boys (i'm sorry for hurting Pete - i love him, and promise to put happier stuff out soon).
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: This entire thing is written from the point of a person suffering from depression on a bad day. This is all written from my personal experience of the illness, and is not meant to be a representative of how every single person in the world suffers from depression -everyone suffers in their own way. If such things are triggering or in any way harmful to you - please don't read this.

Everyone has their bad days, Pete knows that, the thought of it somewhere on the back of his mind as he lies half awake in the bed, throat parched dry, tongue clenched under teeth as the nightmare ebbs away - but it is hard to remember sometimes, with the way how cold the bed feels even in the middle of September, swaddled in sheets, the dry air of dawn - unforgiving, that when, he tries to rise, rubbing his eyes with the last dregs of strength left in his body, trying to remember all the things that make him tick, make him want to just leave the bed and _live -_ that he draws he blank. 

Its not unexpected, days like these come, sometimes, they're few and far in between, and on other times - they are weeks of it, days full of darkness and impossibly cold nights. 

He shuts his eyes again - in defeat, and stays awake in his thirst, weighed down by tiredness. Its not comfortable at all, but he drifts off - in another few minutes - the land of living left far behind.

When Pete wakes up, its with his arms full - some kind of lemony scent in the air. Someone had pushed into embrace, their arms going around his waist, pulling him close. A warm nose is nuzzled onto his throat. 

He feels himself fall into it - the safety of two strong pair of arms - holding him so tight as if he might fall off, deep steady breaths punctuating the air. And it is still too warm, but he feels a pressure build up behind his eyes, the lump in his throat so insistent, he has to clench his jaw to not make a sound. 

After feeling like absolute shit for an entire twenty four hours - it feels like heaven (but not quite too - he knows how Kao's cuddles are meant to feel like, how his boyfriend's hair tickles his neck when he tucks himself in as close as possible, knows what its's like for his own heart rate to soar when they hold each other like this - for long minutes - so long it feels like eternities have passed.) 

He is aware of all that, but all these pleasant feelings are buried somewhere now, deep under his chest, no strength left to surface, the fluttering in his stomach when Kao decides to do something cute like mumble his name sleepily or tug against the hair at the back of his head - a distant memory. 

Its hard on some days, and a begrudging tear does fall off, and a violent tremble goes through Pete's body. Hardly daring to make a sound - because Kao was always so good to him, always so understanding - and yet there were days like these, when Pete's body simply did not cooperate - mind too exhausted to just be awake or do something. 

Few people knew about it - his dad left his homemade green curry in the oven on days like these - as if he had a little superpower of knowing just when Pete was down (or really, downer than the usual down). Sandee had a fair idea of it too, having known each other for so long, Pete never really had had to tell her quite verbally, just how he felt on days like these, shoulders in a tired slump, too exhausted to take notes, instead, head propped on chin and staring out the window. She always sent him back home with a stern reprimand, encouraging him to rest as much a he could - her voice breaking slightly, the knowing look in her eyes making feel understood in a way he never dares to hope for - and for that he is infinitely grateful. 

And he knows when he flips his phone open, there will be a stupid cat video she will have sent with no caption, because that's how they did things, okay - bros caring for bros without needing words. and Pete knows he will watch it, and smile, leaning against the bedpost - the little motions of the kitten being the last push of motivation to finally get that glass of water, and at last leave the bedroom.

But he had never told Kao about it, they were a couple months into the now peaceful relationship - still figuring each other out - learning to love that is. It was easy to fall, but harder to hold on, Pete had realized. 

Dating Kao was not easy - his boyfriend could be demure on some days, purposefully discreet, making it hard for him to understand his funny little moods and grievances. Snapped at him sometimes too, when Pete brought the wrong flavor of cereal ("There's too much sugar in that brand, asshole!"), outright growled when Pete made a move on him on the wrong nights - Kao could be a menace when stressed. And Pete had always kind of assumed his boyfriend was perfect - tutoring kids, getting perfect grades, doing most of the housework, but now that they were together, closer than ever - he could say he'd gained the privilege of the uglier side of things - Kao with his hair messy and eyes bloodshot at four in the morning - painstakingly correcting his kids' test papers, or nervously awaiting exam results, snapping when Pete changed the background music away from anything other than the _Inception_ soundtrack. 

Kao could be handful in those moments - and Pete knew if Kao was that much, he himself was perhaps a hundred times more irritable in his less-than-perfect moments. Pete had always been given to doing exactly what he wanted, but being in love was slowly changing him, looking at the nutritional content behind snacks packets before tossing them in the cart, hovering by the sunscreen aisle for longer than the cursory thirty seconds, eyeing all the variety there was possible in the world and marveling in the fact that if Kao were here with him, the man could've rattled off at least five differences between each of the products - stopping sometimes at signals too, staring at the sky that poured, thoughts absently straying back to his beautiful boyfriend - his love for psychological thrillers and of petting cats - he swooned on those times, secure in the knowledge that nobody had seen him.

But he couldn't talk about this just yet, and luckily enough, no disaster had struck for the time being, and he hadn't had any reason to bring it up outright. He had danced around the subject with Sandee, who'd merely scowled, hands on her hips ("So this is how yore gonna do it, huh?"), and conveniently forgotten that _this thing_ ever happened at all.

He'd been so happy these past weeks, days filled with such joy he'd never even thought was possible for him to feel, that he couldn't quite remember that these days happened too.

Which was just as well of course, because this wasn't something he could control - some days wee just _bad -_ and he'd grown used to surviving them all alone.

Kao wakes up to his trembles and pulls back a little, eyes straying up, watching - and Pete bristles a little - there is no appraisal in his boyfriend's eyes- merely curious, like Pete is a particularly complex little circuit whose voltage value he was trying to calculate. He doesn't say anything, instead, bringing up his warm fingers to Pete's face, thumbing his cheek, just under his eye and Pete's heart fumbles violently - Kao has now seen him crying.

"Hey", he whispers and Pete doesn't know whether its a _hi, why'd you miss class today?_ or _hi, you're waking up at noon?_ or just a plain acknowledgement of his presence. 

Pete doesn't know, and can't bring himself to ask, the lump in his throat swelling, buoying up, a few more tears sliding down. His heart feels like its squeezing and Kao's eyes brows are pulled together now - he was not the overly emotional or dramatic one between them (Their movie nights alternate between Pete's early 2000s romcoms and Kao's Christopher Nolan films). 

"Pete?", and Kao's voice is a soft sound, like a cat padding its paw against his leg - prodding - as if making sure he was okay, and Pete doesn't really know why he is feeling this way. 

Sadness rises like a wave in his entire body and he wonders if this is what he sleeps through every time this happens. 

Depression is a tough nut to crack - hard to understand from outside, harder when you have it yourself - the examiner and the examined at the same time. Yet, he is used to feeling numb when it decides to strike, brain not willing to live, Kao's bitter herbal tea tastes like sandpaper, as he curls himself in front of the TV as Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince plays for the umpteenth time and he's watching and he knows when to laugh and when to swoon but he just can't do it, instead just being there - comforted under the presence of films he had grown up with - things that had shaped him, made him the man he is today - an old friend. 

Maybe that's why it didn't make sense, Pete had a boyfriend now, and maybe his body couldn't process the fact that someone had voluntarily pushed through all his boundaries, and climbed into his bed, his arms - his _life,_ wanting to comfort even as they didn't know the reason.

Pete was used to the numbness, but there was no doubt about what he was feeling just then, an unnamed sadness coursing through him, breaking under his boyfriend's solid gaze, falling into his arms, as he was afraid he wouldn't be caught when he did so. He didn't know why, and he wasn't sure he ever would, but here with Kao's arms around him, shoulder voluntarily offered for him to bury his nose into, wetting that pink t shirt with that dabbing cat, getting mucous over his collarbones, Kao running his fingers through Pete's scalp like he wouldn't ever let go, Pete felt just a little bit better. The detachment sitting like bitterness under his tongue didn't go away, but he felt slightly understood.

It is hard to ask for comfort, and he doesn't realize Kao has entangled their legs, ankles hooked together, body so pressed up against his, like Kao wants to pull him inside - out of this terrible void of nothingness life decides to subject him to every now and then. They say nothing at all, and Pete feels something like guilt rise up his windpipe, in more tears, a sob tearing through him, holding Kao closer, bones crushing - struggling, the peacefulness of a few minutes previous completely shattered, and Kao must have sensed his sudden anguish because he pulls back once more, concern marring the smile lines around hie eyes, and Pete feels even worse - the reason for causing Kao to be sad on top of everything.

And then something happens he never ever thought could've. 

Kao shuffles a little closer, nose to nose, as close as he gets when he wants to be approached, to be taken - but there is no want in his eyes. and yet Pete feels the guilt roll like a tide in his stomach - he wants his boyfriend and wants to be wanted but under this haze of numbness he can't feel anything. The usual tug in his gut when Kao is that close never comes, the involuntary urge to meet him with his mouth or do anything remotely more intimate doesn't come at all. So, Pete shuts his eyes close, and lets himself go bitter and cold. 

He cannot control this, but the fact that he can't be what his boyfriend wants him to at certain moments stings in him - that if they stay together, there will be more days like these, days when Pete isn't himself, when he doesn't want to drag himself out of bed, or do anything in general, days when Pete is, in absolution what he the most afraid to be - 

"A disapointment".

There is a sniffle at the wake of his words and when he flutters his eyes open, Kao looks slightly betrayed. He doesn't elaborate though, instead, bringing his index finger to Pete's chin, and pushing it up a little - its not a harsh movement - but its not gentle either. 

Pete feels very cornered suddenly.

"How do you feel?", there is no lust in Kao's gaze, mere kindness, and some deep seated something Pete cannot identify. He feels his pulse rise though, even as relief courses through him - he wasn't disappointing Kao in not being an active partner in bed, just for now, he could rest easy.

"Awful", the croaking in his voice gives away the degree of awfulness. 

"And?", Kao prods on, further, as if he knew that wasn't the end of the problem, as if he knew Pete better than Pete did himself, like he just wanted to confirm what Pete is afraid to say, most of the time. He is afraid to say it to his father, afraid of the pained silence that will only drag on, afraid of Sandee's hurting eyes - but he can't really hide when Kao's looking at him like that - laid bare before someone whom he'd known for less than a year - so he feels his mouth moving.

"I don't like myself today", the words feel wrenched out of him, almost inaudible, and Kao is staring back, somewhat shocked - its a natural reaction - somebody who doesn't know the depth of Pete's affliction would have no idea where this came from and Pete suddenly feels sorry, for never talking about this side of himself, springing everything onto Kao without warning - forcing him to make a choice, between staying with someone like him or not. 

He feels himself being pulled into a bone crushing embrace though, his face buried into Kao's chest, his head under Kao's chin, and feels Kao's draw a few short, fortifying breaths.

"Pete Phubodin", he feels Kao speak, warmed, not really feeling at the moment, but he knows what Kao feels like in general, knows how he tastes, knows his love and the heart that has decided to go on a break (knows himself), so it settles his nerves a little, the not-really-anything feeling doing nothing too scary.

"I'm not going to say I understand completely", Kao's voice is a quiet murmur, scratching against his temple in familiar graze, settling into the warmth of his bones, and the air in his bedroom.

"And I'm not sure if you'll believe me", Kao pauses, 

"But even if you can't believe it right now - I like you".

 _Even if you can't like yourself right now,_ hangs in the air, unsaid.

The words do nothing to Pete, no heart flopping or heat rushing to his face, but Kao's voice is a gentle caress on his back, and he feels better in his arms than he does all alone.

"I like your stupid camera and and I like your stupid smile", Pete squirms a little and even as he can't bring himself to react to his words, a familiar instinct rises inside him, and he pokes his elbows to Kao's side a little - a replacement for verbal teasing he cannot bring himself to do - and it earns him a giggle ( _So beautiful,_ he hears his soul sighing).

"If you forget I will remind you", Kao mutters on, "Every time."

He murmurs on more sweet nothings into the afternoon, voice coiling around Pete's body, his wrists and mind and skin, settling like an age old feeling of _home._ Like its not the end of the world - even as his brain refuses to believe in anything otherwise.

But thankfully his muscle memory is still functional, receptive to Kao's touch and honey sweet words he never really lets out unless its some grand occasion - _its not the end of the world_ , that is all he can say to himself as an assurance.

But its better than nothing at all. 

And Pete will not remember Kao disentangling himself after he'd returned to slumber, will not hear Kao's little sobs creeping out under the bathroom door (and when Kao has awakened him for dinner prepared with his own hands, his boyfriend will have washed himself up and he will never see his tears). Pete will not know several things - he will not know Kao googling symptoms after that, having a conversation about it with his mother late at night the weeks after, he will not know Kao hounding the counselor at his mom's school to understand better - He will not know why his fridge is always stacked with dark chocolate and the recipes his boyfriend has bookmarked under the thread called _tasty vegetable curry_. 

But that's okay, for know, he believes in a sliver of tomorrow and the solid body of an old stranger he now calls home - there's a shoulder to snuggle into as the Gryffindors dance around their common room and Hermione sends vicious owls after her thickheaded to-be-boyfriend. 

The day will end and he will sleep with his worries - but there will be Kao on the other side of the bed, and the universe will decide that he shall be lucky, because when he will wake up the next day, his brain will awake too - just for this once, and he will kiss Kao good morning (feel his heart jump and _Holy Fuck - is that morning wood?_ ), and his boyfriend will hide his tears.

They will learn to grow - and someday Kao will not have to find him trembling in bed - a day will come when he will say it himself - and forget he used to fear being left behind.

There are too many bad days, and everyone has their own, but Pete will come to believe, someday, they were better with somebody by your side. And he will call himself lucky, and Kao will watch him fall asleep - and wait for him to recover.

(And between the time he cannot - he will love Pete just the same.)

**Author's Note:**

> take care of yourselves guys - drink plenty of water, nap if your body calls for it and talk to anyone if you need to - be it a friend or a family member or anyone really - things will get better, I promise.  
> And belated happy dbk anniversary!💙😊


End file.
